answered

The weeks leading up to the end of winter quarter and the start of spring quarter were so hectic and so busy that I hadn't realized that I'd begun to lose sight of some crucially important things. Luckily, a 4 to 5 AM chat with a close friend on the other side of the globe this past Friday night (Saturday morning?) sort of set in motion a new series of little happenings, and I just realized that my anxieties have been answered by the universe. A sense of gratitude and appreciation for everything that is going on in my life has been revived in me and I can honestly say that I feel invigorated again.

After a long Friday night that seemed to never end, I came home to a silent house, as usual. I crept into bed but all the things on my mind that I've been pushing aside flooded over me and I realized how much I needed someone to talk to, despite how exhausted I was. I saw that my friend was awake in Taiwan so I sent her a message; we ended up video calling each other for at least an hour. After talking to her and listening to her feedback, I felt a little lighter, because I think what I really needed at that time was to hear myself put into audible words all my pent up frustrations and disappointments, rather than let them continue to stew in my brain and drain my energy. I've been worrying about being "spread out too thin" between my obligations to my club, my role in the Commuter family, and my place in another group of friends I'm slowly growing closer to. I guess the weeks at the end of winter quarter and the days leading into break/Week One of spring quarter made me feel really detached from these three social circles, and for a moment I'd felt a bit lost and lacked a sense of belonging.

Tonight, despite it having been another long day, ended on a really comforting note. I spent an hour after PCN modern dance practice talking to my ate, and just all the things we talked about and learned about each other reminded me how important it is to open up a little bit once in a while. (And that's something that has become increasingly difficult over time for me.) I'm going to work harder towards maintaining these human connections.

december never felt so wrong

After things kinda fell apart in my  family and what was left of us tried to haphazardly stick ourselves back together again (things are still kinda dangling around, unresolved) each holiday we've "celebrated" has felt lonelier than the last. I don't really feel comfortable writing posts like these, especially knowing a lot of friends I care deeply about are and have been celebrating with their own families happily, warmly, safely. So, my holidays have been spent surrounded by wishy-washy, whirly-swirly, humdrum feelings.

Still, I can't help but say, from the bottom of my heart, Merry Christmas to you and yours. May the New Year bring us even better memories and experiences.

Some things never leave a person:

Old photo. Taken around April this year at Mission Peak.

Poems I read tonight and would like to share:

• "Where You Go When She Sleeps" by T.R. Hummer
• "Oranges" by Gary Soto (I first read this in middle school, I believe! Glad that I found it again.)
• "Persimmons" by Li-Young Lee

Now that I think of it, those three poems all contain really lovely color imagery. Golds, oranges, reds. I guess I'm subconsciously finding myself drawn to autumn colors. I actually started crying after reading "Persimmons" (oh hush—crying over poems is what I do to alleviate stress) because sometimes poems just knock you over that edge you've been tip-toeing along during those days or weeks or months when you're plain exhausted, so you just gotta let the tears well up. Then you dry your eyes. Then you keep going. Yup. Can you tell that I'm writing this at one in the morning while avoiding my Latin homework and Sociology reading?

Happy reading (and crying, if that applies to any of you).